Brazilian behavioural observations #1: The Gringo Ass-Kisser

I'm now at the point where I can no longer make cultural/physical observations any more, because I'm now almost completely integrated into the way of life here that I've forgotten about the differences.  I can, however, make behavioural observations - hence the title of this new and exciting series of blogs!

After nearly a year and a half of living in Brazil, I have learnt to live with a healthy level of constant skepticism.  There are many reasons for this, but in today’s blog I’m going to talk about the most common one, namely, Gringo Ass-Kissers.

When people come on holiday to Brazil one of the things they often report back upon their return is that Brazilians are extremely friendly.  In comparison to most nationalities, they are.  However, the reason they are being so friendly to you may not just be because they’re friendly, it may also be because you’re a foreigner.

In the UK, we often have this exotic view of Brazilians as beautiful, sensual, passionate, fiery people who know how to have a good time.  There’s something of the exotic about dating a Brazilian: "your girlfriend is Brazilian? Nice one, mate!"

Here in Brazil, it’s the other way around.  We are exotic to them.  I have fortunately been blessed with dark hair and eyes, so most Brazilians aren’t aware I’m a foreigner until I open my mouth.  Even then sometimes they don’t pick it up, with a few just putting down my odd accent to being from a different state or having a speech impediment (true story). 

However, it is fascinating to see their reaction when they find out I’m English “REALLY? How nice! Where in England are you from? Oh, I love London! I really want to go there! Do you like it here? How long have you been here?” etc etc.

That’s the standard response and there’s nothing wrong with that: Brazilians tend to be naturally inquisitive and slightly enthusiastic about someone/something new/different.  However, there’s a certain social group – the Gringo Ass-Kissers in question – that go a few steps further.

The first thing the gringo ass-kisser will do is immediately switch the conversation language to English, irrespective of whether everyone in the group is able to understand English or not.  They will then eulogize on the wonders of London/England/Europe in general for a while, and then switch to verbally bashing São Paulo/Brazil.  They will compare the organization of London with the chaos of São Paulo, put down their country and fellow citizens and expect you to join in.

They always forget to consider why I have chosen to live in São Paulo.  Maybe I don’t actually think organization is the end-all and be-all.  Maybe I favour warm interpersonal relationships over my bus arriving on time.

The other feature of the Gringo Ass-Kisser is forgetting that there is anyone else around to talk to besides you.  They usually start a private little chat with you in English away from everyone else, separating both of you off from the group dynamic.  My Portuguese isn’t fluent but I can follow what’s going on in a group conversation and I’d rather be part of it than cornered by someone with whom I would never choose to spend any extended amount of time.  I also think it’s incredibly rude towards the other people in the group.

The Gringo Ass-Kisser also likes to name-drop people they know/met that one time with money/popularity/fame, like you actually care about that stuff.  The gringo ass-kisser assumes that since you are foreign (and probably rich, right?), you care about status as much as they do.  Actually, Europeans tend to care a lot less about status than most Brazilians.  I care even less.  The more you name-drop, the more I switch off.

They use phrases such as “people like us” in conversation, meaning the two of you to the exclusion of everyone else (which I can only assume to mean anyone who doesn’t speak English or hasn’t travelled abroad).

Apart from assuming that I’m rich (couldn’t BE more wrong) they are also making the unfortunate mistake of thinking I’m stupid.  Yes, despite the fact that they’re kissing my ass, they think I am incapable of working out that the only reason they’re being so nice to me is because of where I’m from.

The fact is, I do know.  I’ve learned to see these people coming from a mile away.  Although I may be polite, I do not cultivate friendships with assholes and kissing mine is a sure-fire way of putting me off you completely.

How to leave a Brazilians' home

Brazilians as a whole can be quite superstitious.  They have all kinds of traditions/superstitions related to Catholicism, native Brazilian culture/religions and African culture/religions imported via the slave trade.  (N.B. most things we now refer to as 'Brazilian culture' originated in African culture, FYI).


I have seen a few interesting traditions/superstitions being carried out here.  One of the most dramatic happened when I was in Rio.  We went to the beach one morning and there were white flowers strewn all around, which appeared to have been washed in by the tide.  Short of a tanker ship full of fresh flowers capsizing out at sea, we couldn't work out what the hell was going on.  We then observed a few random middle-aged women walking up and down the beach selling white flowers to passers-by, who then walked up to the sea and threw them in.  The amount of people throwing white flowers into the sea increased as the day wore on: there were streams of people walking towards Copacabana beach with a bunch of flowers in hand in the evening.


After some googling, we found out it all had to do with the Afro-Brazilian religions of Candomblé and Umbanda, created by the slaves.  It has something to do with the goddess Yemanja, Queen of the Ocean.  On February 2nd they give her offerings for good luck, healthy pregnancy, etc.  Basically most people do it out of tradition/superstition.  It was a very beautiful thing to watch happening.  People of all ages and generations were taking part.  I should have taken pictures.


Something not quite as religious is the superstition around guests leaving the home.  When you leave a Brazilians home, you wait for them to open the front door for you.  You DO NOT open it yourself.  This is because of a superstition that states that if a guest lets themselves out of your front door, they won't return again.  I sometimes wonder if they allow people they don't like to let themselves out on purpose so they don't have to see them anymore.  I would, if I believed it were true.


I am constantly almost letting myself of people's homes.  I usually get my hand on the door handle, freeze and withdraw sheepishly apologising "sorry, it's all yours".  I'm not kidding, they NOTICE it if you open the door yourself.  They give you a LOOK - it's a mix between horror and surprise.  


Yet still after 5 months I haven't got the hang of it.  Oh well.

Nice things about Brazilians

I'm making this list to balance out my bitching....and because everything here is true.

1. They smile a lot.  When someone catches your eye on the bus by mistake they don't scowl, they smile at you.  When you buy something from a lanchonete/shop/supermarket and say "obrigada" ("thank you") they respond "de nada" ("you're welcome") and smile at you.  When you're squashed into a metro train like a sardine at rush hour, people catch each other's eyes and smile as if to say "funny, isn't it?"  Here if someone you don't know smiles at you, they're simply being friendly - which is what Brazilians do best.  Additionally, they have very broad & genuine smiles that takes over their whole face.  I've never seen a fake smile here, which I'm used to seeing frequently in London.

2. They live for the moment.  The French have a term for it ("joie de vivre") but the Brazilians are the ones who really have it.  One Brazilian I know summed this up rather well: "We all have problems: I have problems, you have problems, everyone has problems.  But, today is Sunday; let's worry about our problems tomorrow, eh?"

3. They don't sweat the small stuff.  Situation: someone slams into you quite hard by accident walking the opposite way in an underground station - what do you do? A) scream "FOR F*** SAKE, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE F***ING GOING YOU F***ING C***", or B) ignore it and keep walking.  Brazilians choose option B.  Little things that would drive any european into an indignant rage just don't bother Brazilians. Examples: someone else's dog barking and lunging at you as you walk past, someone opening the window on the bus when you're sitting right under it and it's pissing down with rain outside, queuing for ages at the supermarket, queuing for ages at the bank, people being a rude and condescending, people speaking loudly on their mobiles on public transport, people playing music too loudly on their headphones (also on public transport).  Brazilians don't get wound up about this stuff.  I think this is part of the reason why Italians and Brazilians don't mix well (although they are both equally emotional): Italians get wound up about everything and Brazilians just don't.

It's the little things

Children being carried around by hand
You don't see many push-chairs and prams here.  Hardly any, actually.  The general practice seems to be carrying small children around in one's arms.  Unlike large cities in the US/UK/Canada, you see small children everywhere.  They are very family-oriented here and it seems children are taken everywhere, rather than left at home with a babysitter/grandparents/whatever.   This may be down to childcare being a luxury expense, or it may have more to do with the fact that push-chairs/strollers/prams can be prohibitively expensive here. 
But carrying children around by hand actually makes sense to me: you don't have to go through the hassle of folding and unfolding a push-chair when you get on/off a bus, you can get on and off a metro train without fuss, you're not constantly squeezing past people in busy parts of town with a massive unwieldy push-chair, etc.  I think it's a good idea. 
The other part of not having a push-chair is not having to carry around loads of baby/toddler crap with you: nappies, bottles, baby food, etc etc.  They don't seem to worry about all that malarkey here, and I've never seen anyone having a baby-related 'accident' as a result.

Everything is upside down.
By this, I mean things you expect to be cheap (cocoa, for example - Brazil produces it) are expensive and things you think should be expensive (e.g. anything involving manual labour) is cheap.  A tiny packet of pure cocoa (no sugar or additives) costs like R$10 (£3.50) and my mum got her sandals fixed the other day for R$8 (£3) - they were properly fucked and the general fix-it shop round the corner brought them back to life.  Also, things you expect to be quick and easy are slow and difficult, and vice versa.  It's a bit like stepping into 'Alice in Wonderland'. 
Example #1: we were told that dealing with the Federal Police to renew our visas would be a nightmare.  We were told to bring a book/iPod/newspaper and be very very very polite because they can be absolute bastards.  Well, apart from it taking a while to get there, none of the staff speaking even pigeon English (this department only deals with foreigners) and the building looking like something out of George Orwell's '1984', the process was very quick (just a 20 minute wait) and the staff were very helpful and welcoming - even the guards at the entrance with the bullet-proof vests, massive guns and batons were very friendly.
Example #2: In the UK, you can just walk into a bank.  I mean, you can just open the door and walk in.  That's all you need to do.  In Brazil, you cannot simply just walk into a bank.  Firstly, you must put your bag in a specially provided locker either in front of the bank or in the ATM area (a kind of purgatory for people wishing to enter the bank or get some cash out).  You only bring things with you into the bank like the key for the locker (if it has one, some just have an electronic pin code), your wallet/purse and your mobile.  There is usually a clear revolving door entrance on every bank (which is supposed to be a metal detector, but I've gone through with my metal belt buckle several times and nothing's happened), manned by a security guard (or two, often armed) which has a special clear plastic box to your right into which you put the few belongings you have left with you, so that the security guard can see what you've got.  Once you are through the revolving door, you can open the clear box on the other side and take your things back.  And that, children, is how you enter a bank in Brazil.

People help eachother
Example #1: my mother dropped her sunglasses while crossing a pedestrian crossing on Avenida Paulista, just as the lights were turning green.  All three lanes of traffic waited for her to pick them up, even after the lights had actually turned.
Example #2: when the dog had his accident at the Metro station, the staff and several passers-by came rushing to help.  They calmed my mother down, called the Veterinary Hospital to tell them to expect us, and wrote down the address so we could get a taxi - all without speaking English (our Portuguese was non-existent at that point).
Example #3: on the bus, people stand up for old/disabled/pregnant people and women with children - always.  I have seen people offer to carry other people's groceries, children, bags, help old ladies get on/off the bus, etc.

Brazilians don't trust eachother
You may think this completely contradicts my previous point, but it doesn't really.  Helping people with small things has very little to do with trust.  When it comes to money, possessions and promises Brazilians do not trust each other - and with good reason (in our experience).  The ridiculous amount of bureaucracy often has to do with counteracting the endemic corruption in this country.  In order to get our visa renewed, we had to pay money at the Bank of Brasil then get the visa renewed at the Federal Police.  When we got our CPF, we paid for it at the Post Office then picked it up at the Poupatempo.  Both measures were clearly in place to stop the Government offices getting hold of the money in cash or accepting bribes.
They tend to trust gringos - they are under the impression we keep our word and Brazilians don't.  Obviously, we know that's not entirely true.  But it is an interesting point that I have spoken to several Brazilians renting rooms or property who simply will not rent to another Brazilian because of bad experiences being screwed around, stolen from, not paid, etc.  They say they don't get the same problems when they rent to gringos.

Things that annoy me #1

I am a generally happy-go-lucky person (in person, haha), but I am also easily annoyed by little things.  As much as I have enjoyed living in this city for various reasons, there are several little things in Sao Paulo (maybe some of them are national things, I can't say yet) that annoy me.  I have decided I will make this an occasional feature called 'Things that annoy me' when I have at least three things to bitch about.

This is what I've got so far:

1. People walking slowly.  EVERYWHERE.  OH MY GOD. This is supposed to be the biggest metropolis in South America, every Brazilian in London I spoke to said "oh SP, that place is just work, work, work" so I was expecting a bit of a pace, but hell no.  People meander around as if they don't have a care in the world.  Rich people, business people, policemen, beggars, random crazy people, shop workers, cafe workers, people with their families.  You name it, everyone walks slow.  Not only do they walk slow, when there's a narrow pavement (if you're American, just assume that every time I say pavement I mean 'sidewalk' - you're just going to have to learn to translate) they walk in rows of maybe 3-4 people, talking to each other, totally oblivious to everyone and everything around them.  Saying "com licensa" does NOT work.  You literally have to walk ahead into the road to get around them.  Then when you get around one group, there's another one doing exactly the same thing.  And another one, and another one, and another one.  The problem is compounded when you try to walk down Avenida Paulista at one of the following times: morning rush hour, evening rush hour, lunch time.  Then there's the random stopping in the middle of the street.  People just stop in the middle of the street: sometimes to look at something, sometimes because they're having a particularly animated argument on their cell phone, sometimes because they forgot which way they're supposed to be going, sometimes because that lanchonete (snack shop) looked too good to pass up and they had to turn around - and they HAD to do it RIGHT in the middle of YOUR path.

2. People cancelling appointments.  Always at the last minute.  Even when you've confirmed the appointment with them in the morning, just to make sure because you know what Brazilians are like.  I've heard them all: "I forgot I have to take my car to the mechanics", "I have to pick up my kid", "Oh, I forgot I already had a meeting at that time - can we reschedule?".  Doesn't anyone use Outlook here?  They all have bloody iPhones or Blackberrys or super-duper Samsung touchscreen thingies -  fucking use them!!  If you can't guarantee you are going to make an appointment/meeting - DON'T FUCKING MAKE ONE.  And STOP wasting my time - I've got better things to be doing with it than waiting around for you NOT to show up!

3. Bureaucracy.  I've only just started touching on this, but they have a really weird way of sorting stuff out here.  We both got a 'Bilhete Unico' (a bit like an oystercard) for the transport system.  For some bizarre reason the chip in my Bilhete Unico malfunctioned and we had to get it reset.  We only discovered this after going to the metro station and telling the lady at the desk that the card wasn't working.  She didn't believe us, scanned it, said it was working fine.  We said it wasn't working because it couldn't be read on the 3 buses we tried it on yesterday - she said no, it was working fine.  We walked away and tried to get the balance reader to read the balance, it didn't work - she said no, it was working fine.  Then we told her to add some credit to it - let's see how well it's working, bitch.  When she tried that, she said "oh, it's not working" (no shit, Sherlock) and ONLY THEN did she tell us we'd need to get it reset.  "Can we get it reset here?" we asked. "No, you have to go to an SP Trans office".  "Can't you just replace it?" (not an unreasonable question, they replace oystercards for free in London if they malfunction) "No, you have to get it reset at the SP Trans office".  Of course, the SP Trans office was fucking miles away and was of naturally shut when we got there at 4.30pm.  HALF FOUR IN THE AFTERNOON.  We got it sorted in the end, but you bet your ass I'm being a hell of a lot more careful with my card now.
Another example: to apply for a CPF (tax number - you can't wipe your arse without one here) you have to go to a "Correios" (post office), give them your details and then they give you a "protocolo" which is a receipt with all your details that you then have to take to a "Poupa Tempo" (general government service centre) and they will give you the CPF.  Why can't they just frickin' give it to me at the Post Office?  Why do I have to travel to one of only TWO Poupa Tempos in SP that actually issue CPFs???  Oh sorry, make that ONE because the one in Praca da Se no longer deals with CPFs as of December 16th!!