Brazilian behavioural observations #1: The Gringo Ass-Kisser

I'm now at the point where I can no longer make cultural/physical observations any more, because I'm now almost completely integrated into the way of life here that I've forgotten about the differences.  I can, however, make behavioural observations - hence the title of this new and exciting series of blogs!

After nearly a year and a half of living in Brazil, I have learnt to live with a healthy level of constant skepticism.  There are many reasons for this, but in today’s blog I’m going to talk about the most common one, namely, Gringo Ass-Kissers.

When people come on holiday to Brazil one of the things they often report back upon their return is that Brazilians are extremely friendly.  In comparison to most nationalities, they are.  However, the reason they are being so friendly to you may not just be because they’re friendly, it may also be because you’re a foreigner.

In the UK, we often have this exotic view of Brazilians as beautiful, sensual, passionate, fiery people who know how to have a good time.  There’s something of the exotic about dating a Brazilian: "your girlfriend is Brazilian? Nice one, mate!"

Here in Brazil, it’s the other way around.  We are exotic to them.  I have fortunately been blessed with dark hair and eyes, so most Brazilians aren’t aware I’m a foreigner until I open my mouth.  Even then sometimes they don’t pick it up, with a few just putting down my odd accent to being from a different state or having a speech impediment (true story). 

However, it is fascinating to see their reaction when they find out I’m English “REALLY? How nice! Where in England are you from? Oh, I love London! I really want to go there! Do you like it here? How long have you been here?” etc etc.

That’s the standard response and there’s nothing wrong with that: Brazilians tend to be naturally inquisitive and slightly enthusiastic about someone/something new/different.  However, there’s a certain social group – the Gringo Ass-Kissers in question – that go a few steps further.

The first thing the gringo ass-kisser will do is immediately switch the conversation language to English, irrespective of whether everyone in the group is able to understand English or not.  They will then eulogize on the wonders of London/England/Europe in general for a while, and then switch to verbally bashing São Paulo/Brazil.  They will compare the organization of London with the chaos of São Paulo, put down their country and fellow citizens and expect you to join in.

They always forget to consider why I have chosen to live in São Paulo.  Maybe I don’t actually think organization is the end-all and be-all.  Maybe I favour warm interpersonal relationships over my bus arriving on time.

The other feature of the Gringo Ass-Kisser is forgetting that there is anyone else around to talk to besides you.  They usually start a private little chat with you in English away from everyone else, separating both of you off from the group dynamic.  My Portuguese isn’t fluent but I can follow what’s going on in a group conversation and I’d rather be part of it than cornered by someone with whom I would never choose to spend any extended amount of time.  I also think it’s incredibly rude towards the other people in the group.

The Gringo Ass-Kisser also likes to name-drop people they know/met that one time with money/popularity/fame, like you actually care about that stuff.  The gringo ass-kisser assumes that since you are foreign (and probably rich, right?), you care about status as much as they do.  Actually, Europeans tend to care a lot less about status than most Brazilians.  I care even less.  The more you name-drop, the more I switch off.

They use phrases such as “people like us” in conversation, meaning the two of you to the exclusion of everyone else (which I can only assume to mean anyone who doesn’t speak English or hasn’t travelled abroad).

Apart from assuming that I’m rich (couldn’t BE more wrong) they are also making the unfortunate mistake of thinking I’m stupid.  Yes, despite the fact that they’re kissing my ass, they think I am incapable of working out that the only reason they’re being so nice to me is because of where I’m from.

The fact is, I do know.  I’ve learned to see these people coming from a mile away.  Although I may be polite, I do not cultivate friendships with assholes and kissing mine is a sure-fire way of putting me off you completely.

Parada Gay São Paulo

Avenida Paulista at the beginning of the Parade

Ok, so this happened last month but it's still worth blogging about.

The São Paulo gay parade is the largest gay pride event in terms of attendance in the world.  If you've ever experienced Carnaval in the streets (not the Sambadrome), it's basically that but with gay people and very loud house music.

This year on Sunday the 10th of June there were roughly 3 million attendees, which is less than last year's 3.5 million.  Apparently there were security issues last year (petty theft, homophobic violence).  I think there was a death one year.  Brazil is a traditionally Catholic country and, despite heavy support from the government, Parada Gay still touches a nerve with a lot of people.  However, this year's event went off without a hitch.

In typical Brazilian style, it started late.

Despite the huge amount of people on Avenida Paulista, there weren't any actual crowding issues.  If you wanted to, you could get into the mosh pit following each one of the 12 trio elétricos (giant floats).  Or, like me, you could calmly stand on the pavement bopping your head to the music.

The weather was sunny, the temperature was mild, the atmosphere was joyful.  It was a lot of fun.

Afterwards, we walked down Frei Caneca (Gayville, SP) and stopped outside a lesbian bar that was blaring out house music and took part in a popular Brazilian pastime: drinking beer outdoors.

We went home about 6pm because I had been partying nonstop since Wednesday evening and I desperately needed to sleep.

The VIP area.  Politicians, mostly.

Me and Kelly (my girlfriend)

Me and a famous SP drag queen called Kchaka (I think) 

Giant floating condoms: "Protect your pride, wear a condom"

The theme of the Parade was "Homophobia has a cure: Education and Criminalisation"

Gay bar on Frei Caneca, later on in the evening.

Caipirinhas and I don't see eye to eye

For the uninitiated, the caipirinha is a cachaca-based alcoholic drink (cachaca being an extremely strong Brazilian version of rum).  It is the most popular distilled alcoholic drink in Brazil.  The drink is traditionally made by crushing up pieces of lime and sugar in a glass, then mixing in ice and filling the rest of the glass with the previously mentioned cachaca.  It can also be made with vodka and pretty much any fruit the barman can manage to pulverize into the glass.  The strawberry one is particularly good - especially since it completely masks the taste of the alcohol.


Caipirinha is an extremely potent drink.  If you haven't been to Brazil, you may think that you've already tried it at some snazzy West End bar and it wasn't really that bad.  Trust me, that wasn't a caipirinha.  In England, there are specific measures for shots of liquor that pubs and bars have to stick to.  In Brazil, there are no such measures.  Here, they don't serve caipirinhas in piffly little whiskey glasses, they serve them in what looks like a half-pint glass (sometimes bigger).


Anyways.  I went out to a very cheesy gay bar on Monday night.  As I surveyed the 18/19-year-old clientelle and listened to the godawful American pop music pumping out of the sound system, I thought to myself: "I'm going to need a lot more alcohol in my bloodstream to enjoy this".  So, I decided to order a caipirinha.  Apparently I ordered one with vodka (or so I'm informed).  I drank it sort of quicklyish and started enjoying myself a bit more.  I then began slurring, the room started spinning, I went out for a cigarette and felt nauseous, and finally I went downstairs and fell asleep at a table.  My girlfriend had to physically accost me for my swipe card at the end of the evening(/morning?) to pay the bill.  I do remember watching a bit of the drag show.  She did a stage dive.


It seems that every time I have a caipirinha (or two) I end up falling asleep.  That happened on Friday when I had two of them....and back in March when I had three.


Basically, I need to steer clear.  I'm supposed to be going to The Week on Saturday night and falling asleep on the dancefloor is never a good look.

Motels in Brazil

What do you think when I say 'Motel'? (Don't answer this if you're Brazilian).  The first thing that comes to mind is probably something like this:

If you watch 'My Name Is Earl' you'll know that the character Earl and his brother Randy live in a motel suite together.  The word 'Motel' is short for "motorway hotel".  The concept was begun in America in the 1920's, hitting it's peak in the 1950's & 60's, and then went into decline with the increase in popularity of chain hotels.


The original idea was simply to supply cheap accommodation to motorists travelling along highways on long journeys.  Motels appear frequently in American movies as cheap, sleazy, dirty, trashy places to stay.  They don't have a good rep.

Motels in Brazil, on the other hand, are a very VERY different kettle of fish.  Their primary purpose is not for sleep.


I shall explain in context.  In Brazil (and most of Latin America), it is very common for children to live with their parents until they are married.  In the past, this meant leaving home in your late teens to early 20's at the latest.  These days, a lot of people stay with their parents until their mid to late 20's.  I've even heard of a couple of people still with their parents into their 30's.  I find the latter weird.


This all means that if you get yourself a boyfriend/girlfriend before you're married (which is everyone), it is quite common that neither party will have somewhere private to 'consummate' the relationship.  Most Brazilians will not have sex in their parents home.  And before you say "well neither would Europeans/North Americans": YES they WOULD.  I've done it.


So, Brazilians are quite accustomed to using Motels.  I suppose in English we would normally refer to these as 'adult motels' or 'love hotels'.  I don't exactly know the history of the Motel in Brazil, but I'm assuming it started with demand for somewhere nice to carry out an extra-marital affair.  


These days, it is a perfectly socially acceptable and totally un-embarassing way to add spice to a normal marriage or a relationship (you don't have to be cheating on someone). Some motels have suites that are so large and fully-featured with things like pool tables, flat screen televisions, games consoles, DJ decks, disco floors, jacuzzis, swimming pools, saunas, etc that people just rent them out to have a party.


The experience of going to a motel is so incredibly relaxing (no noise, no interruptions) that people often go just to escape everyday life for a few hours.  You can rent a motel room/suite for a period of a few hours or as long as overnight.


The suite I went to (don't worry, I won't go into graphic detail) had it's own garage, two floors, round four-poster bed, huge bathroom, two flatscreen televisions (one on each floor), home cinema sound system, CD player, radio, fridge, dining area, deck with lounge chairs, massive jacuzzi and sauna.  We actually spent most of our time in the jacuzzi chatting.  The decor was a bit corny in places but the jacuzzi made me completely forget about it.  There aren't words to describe how incredibly relaxed I felt after 4 hours.  The only thing that would have a similar effect would be Valium.


Motels are common throughout Latin America: it's not a particularly Brazilian phenomenon.


Personally, I absolutely loved the experience.  Next time I'm taking a suite for 12 hours... 4 hours wasn't enough!

The Help

Yeah, I know there's a film out at the moment with the same name.  I haven't seen it yet, but from what I gather it is somewhat related to the content of this blog entry.  Whatevs.

Incase you didn't know already, I am working as an English Teacher here in Brazil.  It's really hard to classify people into 'classes' in Brazil, since the gap between the rich and the poor is a massive gaping canyon, and classifying people is never a good idea.  What you need to know for the purposes of this blog is that Sao Paulo is the economic hub of Brazil (and South America in general, for that matter).  There are a lot of wealthy, rich people living in this city and they live very well.

However, you don't need to be a multi-millionaire to have help around the house.  We live in a one bedroom apartment and we have a maid come once a week to completely blitz the place, wash our bedclothes and defrost the fridge/freezer when it needs it.  In London I would never have been so extravagant.  I would have done the bloody cleaning myself, it's only a one bedroom flat for chrissakes.  Here, having a maid is not considered an extravagance - some people consider it a necessity.

I have mentioned before how labour is cheap in Brazil.  For most people here who are what I would normally categorize as middle-class in England, it is very normal to have a maid clean your house.  Most of the students whose homes I teach in have a maid (or two) who comes in every day.  I've been to a couple of homes that have a live-in maid.  When I tell them I have a maid that comes in once a week, my students often ask me: "What do you do the rest of the week? Once a week isn't enough!" The general consensus is that I should have a maid clean the flat twice a week.

The first apartment I stayed in did have a maid twice a week & apart from cleaning, she cooked rice, beans and some Bahian (as in, from Bahia - a state in the North East of Brazil) specialties once a week for the owner of the apartment.

A lot of larger houses and apartments were (and many still are) built with a maid's bedroom near the kitchen & service area, hidden away from the rest of the home.

It's all a bit Ancient Rome/Pre-war England, really.  A significant amount of people in this city spend their lives having everything done for them: dry-cleaning, laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping - the list is endless.

However, as a student said to me last week (she employs two maids at her house), this state of affairs cannot go on forever.  The Brazilian economy is experiencing a massive boom on a scale never known before.  Brazilians have never had this much money or opportunity.  The army of maids, valet parking attendants, cashiers, doormen etc will not want to be doing these jobs forever.  As the price of living increases in Brazil, they will demand higher wages (as they should: they are usually paid minimum wage, about £250 per month), they will (hopefully) receive a better education, they will have higher expectations of their lives - basically the whole hiring of 'help' will become something less and less accessible.

It's very interesting to be living in a country that appears to be right in the middle of a modern Industrial Revolution.  They might even end up having an actual revolution.  Errr....come to think of it: I hope not, that would be quite scary.

Gay & Lesbian Scene in Sao Paulo - so far...

Sao Paulo Gay Pride Parade, Avenida Paulista

There have been some unbelievably rapid changes in law and attitude towards gays and lesbians in Brazil in the last 10-15 years or so.  Cities like Sao Paulo, Rio de Janeiro and Florianopolis are some of the most gay-friendly places to visit on earth.  The countryside of Brazil in places may be a different matter, but that's the same in most 'gay-friendly' countries anyway.

I regularly see PDAs between gay and lesbian couples every day in Sao Paulo, far more than I'm used to seeing in other cities like London, Toronto and Vancouver - all cities with sizeable gay populations.  

Despite having a slightly smaller gay population than Rio de Janeiro, Sao Paulo has the largest Gay Pride Parade.  In fact, it's the largest Gay Pride Parade in the world.  This year, on June 6th, 4.5 million people are expected to attend.  It has grown steadily in attendance since the first parade in 1997, which attracted 2,000.

My experience of the gay/lesbian scene in Sao Paulo so far, and from what I've been told, shows it to be very different from what I'm used to. 

Firstly, the amount of gay-oriented and lesbian-oriented bars/clubs in Sao Paulo is pretty much equal.  In London there are far more gay-oriented bars/clubs than lesbian-oriented ones.  The only bar I'm aware of that is specifically 'for' lesbians in London is 'Candy Bar' (which is a god-awful hell hole).  I remember hearing about something called the 'Oak Bar' in North London, but I lived in South London so it didn't appear on my radar.  There are quite a few lesbian 'nights', but very few dedicated venues. 

Gay-oriented bars and clubs in London, however, are diverse and many.  There are numerous gay venues in Soho, Vauxhall, Clapham, etc.  The majority of these are inclusive, which means that any member of the LGBT community (and in a lot of cases straight people) can attend.  Lesbian venues in London tend to be more 'cliquey'.  I remember once visiting the [now defunct] Glass Bar in Euston: I had to knock on a closed door, a girl popped her head out, looked me up and down, checked that I knew what kind of bar it was, then let me in and closed the door behind me.  This was back in 2005 - that kind of crap wasn't necessary, even for security reasons.  Candy Bar used to be almost as bad, but it has become more inclusive since being taken over by Ku Bar (a gay-owned chain of bars in Soho).  Lesbians (i.e, me) who aren't uptight will often attend gay bars/clubs because they're more relaxed and fun.

Generally, lesbians in London don't appear to go out as much as gay men.  They're more homely, they don't spend as much money when they go out - I used to think it was because lesbians were boring, but it's not.  It's just English culture.  Not everyone is like that of course (I'm not like that and neither are several of my friends), but it's a decent majority.

Things here are different.  Brazilians in general like having a good time, they like going out, they enjoy being sociable - it's a big part of their culture.  Lesbians here generally follow suit.  Lesbian venues here can be a lot of fun.  I went to one called Vermont on Sunday for their samba night.  There was an equal split between gay and lesbian clientelle, it was a very mixed crowd.  Gays are attracted to some lesbian venues in Sao Paulo the same way lesbians are attracted to some gay ones in London - they're just more relaxed and fun.  

The other nice thing about LGBT venues in Sao Paulo in general is that they're open to everyone - there's no one at the door checking if you're gay, there's no one giving you the once-over.  A venue may be oriented a certain way, but it's by no means exclusive.  Which is nice.  

The whole 'us and them' attitude doesn't help anyone and I'm glad it's not really an issue here.

Pavements in Sao Paulo, or the lack thereof

Being a pedestrian in Sao Paulo is a bit of a thankless task.  The city is clearly set up mostly with cars in mind.  Paulistanos love their cars.  Having said that, it's not set up particularly brilliantly for them either, but it's better than being a pedestrian.

In most cities I have known and lived in, the local government or City Municipality is responsible for maintaining pavements (sidewalks to Americans).  The local government in most cities is responsible for keeping pavements level, well-maintained, ensuring that they are accessible to the disabled, and safe to use.  Oftentimes, local government is responsible for keeping pavements gritted in cold weather to avoid accidents.  If a local government fails in this task and their negligence causes injury, they can be sued (and often are).

In Sao Paulo, this never f**king happens.  The Prefeitura (prefecture/city hall) doesn't appear to be in any way responsible for pavements.  Each individual property that opens out onto a pavement is responsible for the section of pavement directly in front of it.  Each property doesn't appear particularly responsible for keeping the pavement level, accessible, safe, or ensuring that pedestrians are able to step from one section of the pavement to the next without falling flat on their faces.  Some properties have well-maintained pavements and others clearly haven't bothered touching theirs for years.

Sao Paulo is also an extremely hilly city in parts - especially either side of Avenida Paulista (the main drag - think Oxford Street but not as obnoxious).  A lot of streets have very steep natural angles that are hard enough to deal with, never mind having to negotiate crappy pavements that go up and down without rhyme nor reason.

Paulistanas (female residents of Sao Paulo) are rather fond of high heels.  When I say "high heels", I mean the six-inch kind that could kill someone.  The fact that I have never seen a woman lose her balance or fall over in this type of footwear - given the atrociously unsafe state of the pavements in this city - never ceases to amaze me.  How the hell do they do it?  It's a major life skill - they should give lectures on the subject!

I personally have nearly lost my footing a few times, but they've always been near misses...and I wear flats...always.  As time goes on and I become more adept at moving myself efficiently around the city, my little 'trips' become more and more infrequent.

Still, some decent pavements wouldn't go amiss.

BLOCO!!!

I went to my first Bloco last weekend!  Yay!

Actually, I'm going to backtrack to a day before the Bloco, which was Saturday.  I came home from doing something boring... I think it was looking for a multifunction copy/scanning/faxing/printing/does-the-washing-up machine with my mum.  It had been pissing with rain all day.  I was in a bad mood, possibly because I was starting to suffer from cabin fever as a result of spending more time with my mother than is healthy at my age.

I got a text as I walked in the door from my new friend Kelly (Brazilian: friend-of-another-Brazilian-friend from London).  She had already mentioned the Bloco thing on facebook for Sunday, but as far as I was aware, I was having another 'cozy' night in with my mother in front of the television on Saturday night.
"Hi!!!!" the text said "There's a party at a friends house today. do you want to go?"
"Hmmm, do I want to go?" I said to my mother, "I'm tired."
"Go! Go, go, GO!" she replied.

I know when to take a hint.

I ate some dinner, spiked my squash with a small teaspoon of guarana powder (I still can't believe that stuff is legal) and zipped over to the other side of Bela Vista.  Kelly welcome me with a glass of wine (or two), we then walked to the nearest 24 hour store to pick up a LOT of beer and got on the metro to Belem.  At Belem we hung around in the spitting rain for a delightfully ditzy Luiz (Kelly's best friend) to work out exactly which metro station in Sao Paulo we were waiting for him, despite the fact that he grew up in Sao Paulo and he had been to Marco's (the guy who's birthday it was) house about 10 times before.  Gay men are the same everywhere, bless their little cotton socks.

When I got to the house, I was very pleased to discover it was my kind of house party: a pair of decks and loudspeakers blasting out good quality house music, a refrigerator (and freezer) full of alcohol, and gay men majorly outnumbering women in the room.

N.B. Despite being a lesbian, I don't actually enjoy hanging out with lesbians.  Not all of them (obviously, or I'd be terminally single), but a lot of them.  The following are lesbian traits I strongly dislike: veganism/vegetarianism (combined with a 'holier than thou' attitude), militant feminism (being a lesbian doesn't mean you have to hate men), lesbian drama (don't ask), drinking too much and getting into fights in the street/club/bar, and taking oneself too seriously.  I don't take myself seriously and I like to hang out with people of the same mindset.  I like going out, having fun, partying hard and generally just enjoying myself.  This is why I tend to get on very well with gay men, they tend to be rather light-hearted too.  Again, not all gay men are like that but there is a significant majority who are.  I am in my element when surrounded by gay men.  I love them, and (as far as I'm aware) they love me.

Long story short, I didn't get to sleep until 6.30am Sunday morning.  I woke up at 2pm to another text from Kelly:
"Are you alive?? I have a terrible hangover!!! Let's go to the bloco?  It's at 4."
I managed to get myself over to Kelly's flat around 4.30pm, just as it started to bucket down (yet again).  We hung around the apartment for another half an hour waiting for the rain to disperse, then made our way to Bloco.  After inexplicably getting lost despite being only 3 blocks away and hiding from the rain twice, we got to the Bloco.

It. Was.  AWESOME.  This particular Bloco was an 'alternative' one (it was called 'Bloco Academicos do Baixo Augusta').  The Porta Bandeira (usually a woman, carries the flag of the samba school at the front of the procession at Carnaval) was male and in a wheelchair.  It was held in what was probably a car park during the week.  They didn't have a license from the city to parade through the streets, so the party was literally held within the car park block.  The car park enclosure had completely filled out with people and there were people watching from outside the square on the streets, pissing off all passing cars I'll bet.  The music was played by a brass band.  They played everything: Brazilian contemporary/pop music - new and old, samba tunes, Jimi Hendrix, Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder....they even played "Age of Aquarius".

It was raining cats and dogs; we got absolutely soaked.  Everyone was dancing & singing - the atmosphere wasn't dampened in the slightest.  There were people splashing about in puddles wearing canvas plimsoles, spraying foam from cans into the crowd, throwing confetti on each other.  And lots and lots of beer.  Brilliant.

Downside: everything I was wearing got soaked, I stubbornly refused to have a shower at Kelly's, preferring to wait till I got home, and ended up with an annoying cold on Monday & Tuesday.

Totally worth it.

Observations: RAIN

This picture just doesn't do the sheer volume of rain the justice it deserves

When one thinks about Brazil, the first things that probably come to mind are: beaches, gorgeous people, hot weather and sunshine.  The last thing that would come to mind is rain.  But there is plenty of it.

Sao Paulo has a sub-tropical climate.  This means the weather is in a constant state of flux which generally follows this pattern:

1. Sunshine
2. Heat
3. More heat
4. Even more heat
5. Humidity
6. Higher humidity
7. Extreme humidity
8. Skies cloud over & darkness descends
9. Winds blow
10. Heavens rumble
11. Heavens open
12. Tropical rain/rainstorm
13. Rain abates
14. Temperature drops several degrees
15. Air is fresh
16. Sunshine returns & the whole cycle repeats again from step 1.

Ok, so that makes it all sound a little Biblical, but it really is rain on a Biblical scale.  The rain storms happen very quickly.  One minute you're walking down the street enjoying some blazing hot sunshine and all of a sudden everything will go dark, the sky will cloud over, a strong wind will start up and then the rain just lets rip.  You literally have minutes to find some decent cover.

Oh, and forget about an umbrella.  An umbrella will not help you in a Sao Paulo downpour, you will not be able to walk through it with the help of one.  It will help you during that first few minutes and maybe afterwards when the rain has died down a bit, but not in the middle.  In the middle there will be rivers of water rushing down the streets and massive pond-like puddles gathering between the road and the pavement.  Just resign yourself to having to wait it out if you're unlucky enough to be caught mid-walk.

The other thing I have noticed is the rain falls straight down here.  There are no angles or a direction to the rain, it falls flat like a brick (sometimes it feels like one).  This is probably because it so heavy, the raindrops can't be pushed around by the wind.  The noise is also incredible.  The raindrops hit the floor with such force: the sound is like a crowd roaring at a Premier League football match.

I once made the mistake of going out without an umbrella when the sky had just started clouding over.  I only had to walk about 20 minutes to my meeting.  I looked up at the sky and reckoned I that had enough time to get there before the rain got impossible.  I arrived 45 minutes late, looking like a drowned rat.  The guy I had the meeting with was most gentlemanly about the fact he could see straight through my t-shirt at my bra.

General Observations: Bathrooms

I've been putting together a list of things that are different/interesting about various aspects of life in Brazil.  Today's topic is bathrooms.

Showers
Pretty much every home has a shower.  It is unusual to have a bath - houses or larger/older apartments might have one.  The water supply consists only of cold water.  Usually, the only household fixture in an apartment or house that produces hot water will be the shower.  This is only because the shower fitting is connected to the mains electricity and the cold water is heated up this way.  If the electricity supply goes down, you will be having some seriously cold showers.  I have experienced this a couple of times.  Because of the way the water in the shower is heated, it never really gets as hot as it does in a boiler system - Brazilian showers are usually just warm enough or lukewarm.  Showers cubicles here are often rectangular in shape, which means plenty of room to move around inside, and the drainage system is excellent.  The bottom is usually tiled very well with a ridge around the edge, so no water can escape into the rest of the bathroom.  Shower installations are very solid here.

Toilets
They usually have a button flush on the top, other than that they're not particularly different to what I've seen before.  What is different is the Brazilian plumbing system: it cannot handle toilet paper being flushed down the loo, the pipes are too thin.  Therefore, bathroom & toilet cubicles everywhere have a little bin supplied for the disposal of used toilet paper.  YES, EVEN WHEN YOU'VE DONE A NUMBER TWO.  Sounds a bit gross, huh?  I was pretty grossed out to begin with myself.  I made the mistake of flushing my used toilet paper down the loo for my first couple of weeks in Brazil, which caused a blockage in the toilet at the apartment I was staying at.  After that, I learned my lesson, bit the bullet, and learned to wrap up my used toilet paper neatly and dispose of it in the bins provided.

Sinks
As mentioned before, there is only a cold water supply to most homes so sinks usually only have one tap: the cold one.
N.B. Having said that most bathrooms only have a single cold tap, there are some that don't.  Like, at the Copacabana Palace, for instance.  My mother went in there to use their bathrooms and saw two taps on each sink.  It had been so long since she had seen a sink with two taps, that she had forgotten how to use them.  Plus, the taps were marked 'F' ('frio' = cold) and 'Q' ('quente' = hot) so she had to stand there for a few seconds to work out which one was which.

Bathrooms in general
Most bathrooms are completely tiled over: the walls, the floor, the shower - everything.  You won't see lino or carpet in a bathroom in Brazil.  It really is the most practical way to fit out a bathroom - it's easy to clean and lasts ages.

Home Sweet Home!

So we arrived back in Sao Paulo yesterday.  Because it's us, something went wrong.  The coach broke down on the motorway about 10-15 minutes from the Rodoviaria (coach station).  We had to wait about 30-40 minutes for them to send a replacement coach which was supposed to take 10 minutes, while the inside of the broken down coach got increasingly hot because the driver had to switch the air conditioning off.

When the replacement coach came, it came complete with two Military Police officers.  They oversaw the transfer of the luggage from coach to coach.  It seemed to us that the coach driver had waited until he was through the ring of favelas surrounding Sao Paulo, before he parked the coach on the hard shoulder.  Interesting.

When we got on the replacement coach, we met a very nice Brazilian lady who spoke English, who was travelling with her mother and young daughter to whom she was just beginning to teach English.  The little girl was overjoyed to be able to show off her knowledge of numbers and basic words in English.  After going through a few phrases, she then said to me:
"Vocês moram em São Paulo?" ("Do you live in Sao Paulo?") 
"Sim, nos moramos em Sao Paulo" I replied ("Yes, we live in Sao Paulo") 
"Vocês devem falar Português, se vocês vivem em São Paulo!" she exclaimed. ("You must speak Portuguese if you live in Sao Paulo!") 
"Eu sei, eu falo um pouco de Portugues" I responded. ("I know, I speak a little Portuguese")


Anyway, the very nice lady (who was called Andriana) took us to the taxi rank and helped us get a taxi, which was very nice of her.  I'm convinced that taxi drivers hear my accent and charge me at least 50% extra.


N.B. For anyone who reads my blog and thinks I have a very low opinion of Brazilians, that is simply not the case.  They are capable of great feats of helpfulness and kindness on a scale that I am not accustomed to in the UK or Canada, possibly in some parts of the US you might experience it.  No matter how many assholes I come across in Brazil who try to screw me or my mother over, I would much rather be in Brazil dealing with Brazilian "nuances" than in England dealing with the English.  For every dickhead here, there are at least five lovely people.


I have to admit I'm really glad to be back in SP.  Rio was beautiful, I had a really nice relaxing holiday, experienced some amazing sight and sounds...but somehow coming back to SP is a bit like coming back to civilisation.  When I saw the skyscrapers and highrises in the distance I felt relief.  And a bit of excitement.  I'm finally starting my new life proper!


I've thought about a few things that make me prefer SP to Rio:

1. The weather - in Rio the heat is sweltering.  It gets far more humid and it also feels hotter in Rio than it does in SP - and it's the kind of heat that I just can't handle.  I was running errands today and it was the same temperature here as it was in Rio, but it felt a lot fresher.  I know Paulistanos complain about the humidity here, but it's really not that bad.  Now I've been to Rio, I appreciate the weather more in SP. 
2. The transport system - Rio has 2 metro lines, SP has 5...and 6 CPTM lines (overground).  Also, bus drivers in Rio drive like lunatics.  I thought they were bad in SP, but they're positively slow in comparison.
3. The service is better - when you go to a supermarket, restaurant, shop, etc the staff are far more helpful and welcoming in SP than they are in Rio.  Shop assistants in Rio sometimes make you feel like they're doing you a favour by doing their jobs.  Shop assistants in SP on the other hand, though they are far less likely to speak even a small amount of English, will try much harder to help if you have a problem.  They seem to be far more interested in providing a good service and doing a good job than they are in Rio.
4. Things just...work better here.  Don't ask me how or why, they just do.

The new apartment is great.  IT IS SO GOOD TO HAVE INTERNET AGAIN.  And cable TV.  And a washing machine.  And a service area.  And a kitchen that you can just about swing a cat in.  And a bed that doesn't give me backache.  And an actual table with chairs.  And STORAGE.


The only bad thing is that I've completely lost the muscle tone in my legs that I had built up over two months of walking up and down the steep hills of SP every day.  Copacabana is completely flat, as were most of the places we visited, so the next couple of weeks in Bela Vista are gonna be a bitch.

I'm in RIO!

Copacabana beach

I have wanted to visit Rio for years and years and years.  It was on my 'places to go before I die' list.  So I was super-excited to come here.

However, thus far I'm actually not as impressed as I thought I'd be.  The mountains are beautiful, the beaches are great, some of the architecture is lovely etc etc, but there's some magic thing that I'm not getting yet.  I'm holding off on final judgement because I haven't explored all the sites I want to see yet, but everyone went on and on about how amazing this place is and it just...isn't, so far.

I was told it was really beautiful, I've actually seen prettier.  They could have done a hell of a lot more with the beaches and the seafront in general - there's hardly any shade.  A lot of the stunning art deco buildings in Copacabana have either been replaced with ugly square monoliths or the ones that are there are left to rot.  It's sad.  Someone told me Rio "doesn't smell" (I haven't noticed many bad smells in SP tbh) - I can tell you quite confidently that it definitely does.  The people are not that friendly.  My mum tripped on an uneven patch of pavement the other day while she was out with the dog, fell flat on her face, and not one person offered to help her up.  To illustrate my point, she dropped her sunglasses in the middle of a pedestrian crossing on Avenida Paulista (in Sao Paulo) once when the lights were changing to green and every single lane of traffic (all 3 of them) waited for her to pick up them up.

The lack of friendliness may be down to the local population being sick to death of tourists.  I know I hated them when I lived in London, so if that's it I can understand how they feel.

But before any Brazilians (or anyone else for that matter) jump on my back about being a negative bitch, I've got plenty of exploring to do in Centro and elsewhere, plus I haven't been up Corcovado (where the Christ is) or Pao de Acucar (Sugarloaf Mountain) yet so I'll probably stop complaining soon.  The landscape is stunning, I'll give you that.  Plus I'll be going back to the Botanical Gardens for a daytrip because they were just delightful.

We're also planning a daytrip to Petropolis, which I've heard good things about - it was the Imperial City or something.

And I need to go out clubbing.

Anyway, I'm glad I decided to settle in Sao Paulo: a) the atmosphere is nicer and b) Rio is much more expensive when you compare like-for-like.  Seriously, we were in the poshest, most central part of town in SP (Jardim Paulista) and the property prices there are a fraction of what they are in Rio (Ipanema).  AND getting basic food from the supermarket is about 25% more expensive.  I have no idea how the Cariocas (people who are from Rio) get by.

I am really enjoying the holiday atmosphere - people are definitely laid back and relaxed here and I'm really unwinding quite nicely.  My time in Sao Paulo has been incredibly stressful on all fronts, and I need the break.

Things that annoy me #2

I have decided that this particular blog should be standalone.  You'll see why.

Topic: Brazilians taking the piss when it comes to renting out apartments because you're a gringo. 

This is a message for every Brazilian out there who has a really shitty piece of property and thinks "hey, I won't refurbish it, I'll just rent it out in the state it's in - cockroaches and all - to a gringo who will pay twice the price for it".  REALITY CHECK: WE WON'T.  Why do Brazilians think that tiny/old substandard apartments that haven't been cleaned, painted, properly furnished or kitted out with half-decent kitchen equipment are ok to let out on a short-term furnished basis to gringos?  I mean, they wouldn't accept that level of crapness for themselves, why do they think that we would? 

I come from the 1st world, ok?  Yeah, I'm willing to spend a bit of money but I also want some "vale a pena" (value for money) and there is such a place called THE INTERNET where I can check what the normal market rate is in the area, dipshit.  I might not be fluent in Portuguese but I can bloody well navigate myself around zap.com.br.  I can even factor in the condo fee, roughly how much the bills are costing you, and add a bit more for the fact the place is furnished and work out a fair price - with a profit margin and everything!

We went to see a couple of apartments before New Year's.  One of them was old, seriously dirty, the little furniture it did have was really old and in bad condition, it was missing a bed (supposed to be a 2-bed flat), didn't have a washing machine or a decent table to eat on (Brazilians always have a decent table to eat on in their homes: we know), and one of the bedrooms didn't have a door on it.  No, scratch that, it was missing a wall.  We turned that one down. 

The other one was in a cheap part of a decent area, building was nice, but the place was fucking tiny.  They had clearly taken an ok-ish-sized one bedroom flat and put in an extra wall to make two bedrooms.  Again, the flat wasn't particularly clean, furniture was cheap and tatty, there was barely enough room to swing a cat around in the living room, the fridge freezer was about 20 years old and probably hadn't been defrosted in that long either.  Plus, they wanted about R$2700 for it all in, which was just a joke.

A Canadian guy in our Portuguese class had booked to go to Rio for NYE but cancelled at the last minute because the idiots that he had reserved (not paid, clever boy) an apartment with decided at the last minute to double the price for the weekend, so he just didn't go.  They could have made some money over the period, but because they got greedy (very common here) they lost a paying customer 2 days before NYE.  Dumbasses.

Moral of the story: if you have some money, you want to invest in property, are willing to provide a decent level of furnished & all-inclusive accommodation and you're not a greedy motherfucker, you would make an absolute killing over here.

Chanukah in Sao Paulo

I actually started writing this during Chanukah, but shit happened - as it tends to do - so this post was somewhat delayed.  Still worth posting though:

You may/may not know this, but Brazil has the second largest population of Jews in South America.  Argentina has the most, with the vast majority of them living in Buenos Aires.  Brazil's Jewish population is roughly 100,000 and the city with the largest Jewish community is Sao Paulo, with a population of 45,000.  There is a shitload of intermarriage and assimilation so it's really very hard to tell exactly what the population figures are (i.e. there could be a lot more), but I found a page somewhere on t'internet where they were quoting stuff all over the place so I lifted the info off of it.

I can attest to the fact that there are a lot of Jews in Sao Paulo.  First of all, I'm one of them (ha), and secondly I've met quite a few without actually looking for them.  Those I have met are not religious, much like myself.  Sao Paulo's biggest congregation - 'Congregação Israelita Paulista' (something like a Reform synagogue) - has a membership of 2,000 families (that's a lot) and is the largest single congregation in Latin America.


So with all these Jews around, we've been looking for the usual signs of Chanukah.  The first one we saw was actually in our nearest large supermarket, Carrefour.  This one was up before Chanukah started (Tuesday night, FYI):

Sweet, innit?


Then our host Fernando told us they usually put up a large menorah at the end of Avenida Paulista near Consolacão, so we braved the Christmas crowds on Tuesday evening, past the throngs at Bradesco watching the Disney-like choir/weird-elf-like-people-prancing-around-with-cardboard-triangles performance, squeezed past the Christmas bridge, past a string quartet playing Bach/Brahms (couldn't decide which, could have been either), past a rather good Michael Jackson impersonator, until we got to Consolacão.  This is what we saw:

If you've read my blog on Christmas lights in SP, you will be aware that this Chanukah display, in comparison, is pretty pathetic.  AND they had all the arms of the menorah lit on the first night - WHICH IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.  You're supposed to light one extra each night until you've got a fully lit menorah.  DETAILS ARE IMPORTANT.


Yes, I'm a pedant.

Things that annoy me #1

I am a generally happy-go-lucky person (in person, haha), but I am also easily annoyed by little things.  As much as I have enjoyed living in this city for various reasons, there are several little things in Sao Paulo (maybe some of them are national things, I can't say yet) that annoy me.  I have decided I will make this an occasional feature called 'Things that annoy me' when I have at least three things to bitch about.

This is what I've got so far:

1. People walking slowly.  EVERYWHERE.  OH MY GOD. This is supposed to be the biggest metropolis in South America, every Brazilian in London I spoke to said "oh SP, that place is just work, work, work" so I was expecting a bit of a pace, but hell no.  People meander around as if they don't have a care in the world.  Rich people, business people, policemen, beggars, random crazy people, shop workers, cafe workers, people with their families.  You name it, everyone walks slow.  Not only do they walk slow, when there's a narrow pavement (if you're American, just assume that every time I say pavement I mean 'sidewalk' - you're just going to have to learn to translate) they walk in rows of maybe 3-4 people, talking to each other, totally oblivious to everyone and everything around them.  Saying "com licensa" does NOT work.  You literally have to walk ahead into the road to get around them.  Then when you get around one group, there's another one doing exactly the same thing.  And another one, and another one, and another one.  The problem is compounded when you try to walk down Avenida Paulista at one of the following times: morning rush hour, evening rush hour, lunch time.  Then there's the random stopping in the middle of the street.  People just stop in the middle of the street: sometimes to look at something, sometimes because they're having a particularly animated argument on their cell phone, sometimes because they forgot which way they're supposed to be going, sometimes because that lanchonete (snack shop) looked too good to pass up and they had to turn around - and they HAD to do it RIGHT in the middle of YOUR path.

2. People cancelling appointments.  Always at the last minute.  Even when you've confirmed the appointment with them in the morning, just to make sure because you know what Brazilians are like.  I've heard them all: "I forgot I have to take my car to the mechanics", "I have to pick up my kid", "Oh, I forgot I already had a meeting at that time - can we reschedule?".  Doesn't anyone use Outlook here?  They all have bloody iPhones or Blackberrys or super-duper Samsung touchscreen thingies -  fucking use them!!  If you can't guarantee you are going to make an appointment/meeting - DON'T FUCKING MAKE ONE.  And STOP wasting my time - I've got better things to be doing with it than waiting around for you NOT to show up!

3. Bureaucracy.  I've only just started touching on this, but they have a really weird way of sorting stuff out here.  We both got a 'Bilhete Unico' (a bit like an oystercard) for the transport system.  For some bizarre reason the chip in my Bilhete Unico malfunctioned and we had to get it reset.  We only discovered this after going to the metro station and telling the lady at the desk that the card wasn't working.  She didn't believe us, scanned it, said it was working fine.  We said it wasn't working because it couldn't be read on the 3 buses we tried it on yesterday - she said no, it was working fine.  We walked away and tried to get the balance reader to read the balance, it didn't work - she said no, it was working fine.  Then we told her to add some credit to it - let's see how well it's working, bitch.  When she tried that, she said "oh, it's not working" (no shit, Sherlock) and ONLY THEN did she tell us we'd need to get it reset.  "Can we get it reset here?" we asked. "No, you have to go to an SP Trans office".  "Can't you just replace it?" (not an unreasonable question, they replace oystercards for free in London if they malfunction) "No, you have to get it reset at the SP Trans office".  Of course, the SP Trans office was fucking miles away and was of naturally shut when we got there at 4.30pm.  HALF FOUR IN THE AFTERNOON.  We got it sorted in the end, but you bet your ass I'm being a hell of a lot more careful with my card now.
Another example: to apply for a CPF (tax number - you can't wipe your arse without one here) you have to go to a "Correios" (post office), give them your details and then they give you a "protocolo" which is a receipt with all your details that you then have to take to a "Poupa Tempo" (general government service centre) and they will give you the CPF.  Why can't they just frickin' give it to me at the Post Office?  Why do I have to travel to one of only TWO Poupa Tempos in SP that actually issue CPFs???  Oh sorry, make that ONE because the one in Praca da Se no longer deals with CPFs as of December 16th!!

Christmas lights in Sao Paulo

I was warned long before coming here that this city goes a bit doolally when it comes to christmas decorations, and I have not been disappointed.  So far, on Avenida Paulista, I have seen:

 

FIESP building

Probably a bank

I want to say HSBC...?

HUGE Christmas bridge over Av Paulista - apparently there's going to be a massive show. This is the first time, speaking as a Jew, that I've actually been *excited* about xmas.

Slightly spooky and quite beautiful LED display in Parque Trianon-MASP - this park is usually closed at night due to cruising.

Christmas tree in Parque Trianon-MASP

Itau Bank, which is in competition with the Jungle-themed bank. I think the jungle bank won, in my opinion.

The most interesting thing about the Christmas lights on Avenida Paulista are the crowds that come to view them every evening.  Most of the photos were taken on Monday evening.  There were thousands of people out and about late, around 9-10pm, with their families, taking pictures, walking around slowly and blocking the pavement (sidewalk, for any Americans reading this).  There was also a huge queue to get into the Christmas bridge.  I have no idea what's in there, but I intend on finding out, child or no child in tow.  My mother's small enough....maybe I can take her in...

Crowds outside Itau Bank